Aug 31, 2008

New Government Jobs!

My best friend, who I'll just call Bill F Katz, was talking with me the other day and we decided that with Obama threatening to create a whole plethora of new government sponsored programs and jobs we have one in particular we feel needs to be made. Please read on: My buddy actually put this in a letter and sent it to his Congressman, Congressman Bishop in Utah. When I read this I was on the ground laughing my guts out and when Jodi read it a big glob of drool came dripping off her bottom lip because she was so intrigued.

Dear Congressman Bishop, and to whomever else it may concern:

As a responsible citizen of our great country and a proud and enthusiastic supporter of our government and all its endeavors, it is somewhat to my shame that I write to make a citation as to one of the largest government oversights in the new millennium. Endemic in our society, are unchecked diseases that every year cost our economy millions of dollars in senseless waste and terrorize millions of American families. Diseases like Hepatitis A, which affects over 10 million people annually. Responsible for several deaths annually, millions of sick days at work, and an estimated six million unreported, yet terrifying cases, E. Coli still runs rampant in our “civilized” country. Pinworms, tapeworms, giardia, rotavirus, even polio. What do all these have in common? They are all products of a fecal oral transmission

It seems horrifying and repulsive, even inconvenient to think about but fecal oral transmissions. To put it plainly, a fecal oral transmission is when bacteria found in human feces are ingested by another human. It seems even the government mandated food handler’s permits, “please wash your hands” signs, and modern technology have completely failed to guard us against this awful epidemic oppressing millions as we speak. It is time for the government to step in.

This problem requires immediate and expansive action. New government agencies need to be created and new positions introduced. These agencies would be responsible for educating their employees on proper cleaning and disposal of human feces. With the help of the specialization of these government agents, we hope to eradicate all disease heretofore mentioned, and many more that for lack of space could not be written.

It seems simple really. So simple that it’s hard to believe that this plan has not been in effect for decades already. It is too difficult for the average American to clean himself after defecation, and that is a fact. As a matter of argument, there have been no advances made available to him/her since the invention of hygienic paper. This ineffective, and costly method has not only left stains on our American underpants for hundreds of years, it has left the most unsightly and shameful skidmark on the fabric of our American society. No more will the common man besmirch his heritage by reaching around the bend to blindly rub his hand through a biological sludge of poisons every single day, just to unknowingly transfer that poison into his system. This is an injustice that needs to be righted.

I am calling on all politicians and freedom loving Americans with pride in their patronage, and the willingness to protect and serve their nation to rally around this proposition so that we can prevent the tyrannical vice-grip of fecal oral transmission from destroying our economy, our liberty, and our spirits. I am calling on Washington to stop turning a blind eye to the agonizing masses and deal with the proverbial “elephant in the room”. I am calling on politicians to create thousands of jobs while fighting disease at the same time. I am calling on every man woman and child with the red white and blue flowing through their veins, to speak out against this brown menace. I am calling on all government ass-wipes, to live up to their name.


Bill F. Katz

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